I also play the bodhran - the Irish frame drum. It has 2 wooden cross-
pieces, that you use to hold the drum. It is played with a 2 ended stick,
called a tipper. It is usually about 6" to 8" long and made of wood.

Your left hand (if right handed) goes between the head & the rods.
Your hand goes against the head (either fingertips or palm, depending
on how muffled you want it) to deaden it. You move your hand against
the head more & less to adjust the tone. You don't want the skin too tight.
People use water to deaden the head and/or loosen it. The drum is held
vertical, sort of near or against your chest, or on your legs if sitting.

You hold the tipper like a pencil, but angled like you want to write on your
chest. You swing it glancing the head back & forth, and when you get
good, you can swing it further, hitting the back end against the head also.
That takes time, and you eventually get a windmill type movement, like
twirling the stick while hitting it.

Your wrist isn't going up & down like with matched grip - it's almost
like the trad grip, except for your wrist is bent
towards you even more & angled so that both
the up strike & down stroke hit the head.

All I can say is
PRACTICE     PRACTICE    PRACTICE !